I don’t think I really started living the “Adulting” life until I got married and moved out of my parents’ house. Then it all hit me. The struggles started coming and the weeds started growing quickly. I could feel the thorns coming up and see them growing around me. They were bigger and much worse than the weeds that had tried to grow before. The thorny weeds were all things in the world like my job, the bills I had to pay, and other things I cared about, though not bad in themselves, blocked my vision and took priority in my mind. As they grew my vision became skewed. I was distracted from God with these “priorities”.

Since hindsight is 20/20, I can see now that I was living in the weeds, and I still am in them now. I have started to pray and ask God to work on tearing the thorns down in my life. The thorns that I am referencing are from the parable of the Sower in Matthew 13. In the parable Jesus talks about the farmer planting his seeds on the path, the rocky soil, the thorny soil, and the good soil. Each of the soils represent a person. The soil with the thorns is a person who is saved, but is struggling with the worries of the World. Ideally the Christian would want to be the good soil, without thorns, growing healthy with plenty of sunlight and nutrition. Unfortunately, most Christians fall into the category of the thorny soil.

I have really felt the weeds surrounding me and blocking me from the Son (pun intended). I think part of it was that I moved away from the Christian community that I had growing up. I had a church to go to immediately when I moved, but it wasn’t the same. I didn’t know anyone. I had to build relationships with people from scratch. The church is our support when things get tough, and I was miles away from the one I had before. I could have called and reached out to them for support, but I was also attacked by intense fear.

The other thorns I experienced were fear. And this fear also stopped me from reading the Bible. The most I could do was listen to the audio bible. I put too much pressure on myself to try to control everything, which was distracting me from trusting Jesus. Fear is a big thing in my life that I let take control. During this time of not being able to read the bible I recited Psalms 23 a lot to remind me of what God does for me and that he could help me with my fear. I also remembered the verse from Philippians 4:6, where it is commanded to not be anxious about anything and to pray to God with everything. I could pray sometimes but I was not able to hear from God.

My fear blocked me from listening to God with an open heart, because I was fighting for control in the uncertainty. I could see God with an outstretched hand toward me, calling me to him. It wasn’t Jesus that was pushing me away from himself. It was me and my own fears. I feared that I couldn’t meet his standards. I knew that he accepted me in my current place, the knowledge was in my head. But I couldn’t let God accept me when my own standards were much higher. By making my own standards, I was putting myself in God’s place. I had said within myself that my standard was better, and God didn’t know what he was doing. I have learned now what I was doing and have asked God for forgiveness and repented from it. I still struggle sometimes with wanting my own standards.

This fear had plagued me for two years. I had tried to build a community during that time, but my fear held me back. And I was still not able to read the Bible. This year everything changed. I moved again to a new place and a new church. The churches that I attended the last few years had good bible teaching, but I never got connected with people even though I had volunteered and was serving at the church regularly. The new church I started attending was different than any other church I had been to, and I think that helped to get me back into God’s word. This church is focused on discipling the people in the church. They have outreach ministries also, but their focus is the church. I had never been at a church that was so focused on the people in the church. It was refreshing. I was also able to start reading the bible again. It was slow, but I was able to read more and not have to rely so heavily on the audio bible. I still enjoy listening to the audio bible, especially when I’m working out. I am serving at the church and have found a community that will support me and be with me in the times that I struggle. I have asked someone to disciple me, so that I can learn how to disciple someone and have someone discipling me. The weeds and thorns have cleared up a little, but they are still there in the forms of work, bills, and some other anxieties. I’m learning to trust God, as he has told me to do. I trusted him before this experience, and I will trust him now.